just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
