I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
