I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
