How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
