i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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