similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
