I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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