hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
