Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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