I hate your face
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
