it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
