Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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