Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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