There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
