chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
