Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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