So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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