Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
