More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
