i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
