you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
