he told me I talked like a deaf person
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
