One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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