the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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