I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
