i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My ass is underappreciated
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
