This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
