Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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