saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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