thus making me awesome and them whores
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
