I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
