i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
