1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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