I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
