not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
