community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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