It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
