I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
