I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
