i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
