Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Will exercising make me less horny?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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