dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
