So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
