Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
did you just send me my own nude
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
