Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
