Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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