the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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