dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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