the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
