Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
