i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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