So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
