Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
