I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You can't motorboat a personality
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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